Advice Column.

I’m not very good at taking advice, but man I am sure given a lot of it. My old roommate/close friend Megan once said to me, “when I have advice I think you should take I typically try to word it in a way in which you end up thinking it was your idea.” Did I mention Megan is brilliant? She has inadvertently advised me to make some of my better decisions in life.

It should come as no shock however, that I loooove giving advice- especially about relationships and what one should do with their life…two things I have zero business acting like the authority on, but whatever it’s your choice if you’re dumb enough to take it.

It’s barely a hyperbole to say that roughly 80% of the advice I am ever given is something to the effect of, “Rachel, you really need to chill,” because well, I lean just a teeeeensy bit on the anxious side.

I’ve been hording a Word document for some time now of some of the best and most ridiculous remaining 20% of advice I’ve been given the last few years and thought I’d share it; Enjoy. Maybe you can even glean some healthy insight (especially regarding your teeth; your friends).

Relationships are not a pissing contest, Rachel- stop trying to win them.
-my former boss

Don’t date idiots, you’re too pretty to do that- you never want to waste your face.
-my resident, Pam

You don’t trust yourself enough. Look in the mirror, say ‘I am a bad-ass’ and trust yourself.
-my pal T.J.Stafford

You need to start dressing cuter and more girly when you run or go to the gym- either that or just expect to only get hit on by women and players who don’t care if you look like a little boy.
-my co-worker/friend Richard

Stop falling in love with potential- who is the person now? They will change, we all do, but you need to know that even if they don’t, who they are now is worth laying your heart on the line for.
-my mom

Men like women who wear make-up, they don’t like duds- are you following me here, Rachel? No, you’re probably not…Rachel START WEARING MORE MAKE-UP.
-my resident, Andre

You should aspire to be a CEO or famous or something that will deem you important enough to have an assistant so that they can start doing all your tech work before you get fired for breaking something important.
-our I.T. guy

You should brush your teeth less aggressively- they are not your enemy, they are your friends.
-my dentist

You should go on the show Naked and Afraid- you’re weird and hippy enough to make it work.
-my co-worker Gilbert
(note: this is NOT true, I’d die the second a snake came near me or I had to eat a bug.)

You should start wearing costumes on dates, that way even if they suck they’ll be funny.
-my boss Joey

You should marry a doctor so that you can you delete your Web-md app.
Emily Crawford (my cous-sis-bff and brilliant musician)

You should marry a lawyer so that you’ll finally decide that you really belong in law school.
-my grandpa

You should marry Matt Kemp.
-my resident, Sheila
(note: I AM TRYING.)

You should marry my single friend ______.
-76% of people I have ever met post my 25th birthday

You should never marry an actor. Ever.
-my friend Jeff…who is an actor

Keep your head in the game, kid.
-me to myself, almost everyday

Feel free to add your own in the comment section…advice you’ve been given that is, not advice for me, as I probably won’t take it. 🙂

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